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Better late than never, I guess.  This week's episode left me bewildered.

When I was growing up my mom always used to tell us, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all". I just finished watching this week's episode of The Bachelor.

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For the past 5 minutes I've contemplated pushing publish post right here and just walking away.

Sorry mom.

Courtney is a full-scale tw*t. We are talking one major beeyotch. I'd say something nice, but there isn't one single nice thing to say about her.  She needs mental help.

And Ben? Well all those searches that came in this week via Ben Flajnik idiot? Each and every one is justified. He is a sad excuse for an adult male looking for a life partner (as if he really is). It's a freaking tragedy.

Let's do this recap and try not to poke our own eyes out. Warning: hide all sharp objects.

So this week they're in Belize. Producers make it painfully obvious that Ben's accommodations are at least a boat ride away from where the women stay and we all know why that is:  Courtney would be trying to get into Ben's room every chance she got and he would be welcoming her in, thereby cutting the season to an abrupt close. Ick nast.

Harrison shows up and tells them there will be three one on one dates with zero roses up for grabs, and one group date with a single rose given out. Lyndzi gets the first date while Nicki the divorcee wails to the camera. Who is this chick? Seriously. Who? They have zilch for connection, yet she has waxed on from the beginning about being in love with Ben. She is NUTS. And incredibly annoying with all the unjustified bawling. Wtf?

Lyndzi's date with Ben: they get in a helicopter, fly around with the door open, hover over The Blue Hole--a big blue circle in the ocean that's surrounded by a coral reef but 500ft deep in the center and he tells her they're going to jump out. She's terrified, but of course they toss themselves out victoriously amidst a slew of cliches about relationships and taking the dive.


Her top stays on and all I'm thinking is Courtney's wouldn't have.  These chicks need to step it up because they are getting steamrolled by a sleazy lunatic.  We see nada about the rest of the day because there is no romantic connection. Cut to evening and they kiss a bunch while sitting on some blanket on a dock. I stare at his bare feet in a pair of those bad slip-in Adidas sandals and try not to barf. *shudder*

After the most painfully awkward exchange resembling something between two bros, they express themselves via writing a note, stuffing it in a bottle and tossing it out to sea. Message in a Bottle (love you Robin Wright Penn) this is not, but I'm still hoping to watch Ben get swept out sea. 


Next date card is coming and cuckoo head biznatch Courtney's going off about how she deserves it and Ben knows she needs it and a bunch of other insane nonsense. Why aren't any of these broads ripping her a new hole?? WHY? Tell the b*tch off already. Someone. PLEASE. Nope. Emily gets the date card and Courtney cries to the camera?? Cry on hooker! You gave away the goods in your dirty ass little ocean romp a couple weeks ago. How's that working for ya now?

Emily's date: she jets off to meet Ben while Courtney waxes on about how Emily treated her so poorly. The pot kettle analogies with this narcissist never end. She is an egomaniac like nothing I've ever seen. Anyway, Ben and Emily aka Trashney trash talker ride bikes, tour the sites, dive for lobsters and eat dinner. She extends an invite for him to meet her family and they suck face, tongues and all, for all the world to see. 

Meanwhile Courtney's in full bitch mode whining to Lyndzi that if Ben doesnt give her a date she's not accepting his rose. He doesn't have her baaaa-aaack, he's on a date with someone who was meeeeeean to her, she's not gonna let him meet her faaaa-mi-leeee. Is this broad for real?! Cue the straitjacket and put us out of our misery already ABC! She then tells everyone, yet again, that if he is crazy about her she'll get the date...aaaaand of course she does. Cackling like a witch in the night she makes the craziest comments about, "he knows what's good for him, he knows I needed this, he needs to step his game up, etc" like she's the only game in town. Wait. She is. This b*tch knows she wears the pants. Who wants to marry a wimp? No thanks!
Cut to her date: they climb some Mayan temple staircase, pausing halfway, where she threatens him under the veil of her whiny baby voice: the thrill is gone, she doesn't know if she likes him anymore, he took the mean girl (puh-leeze) emily on a date, doesn't have her back and she doesn't know if she wants him to meet her family.

We are nowhere near the rose ceremony and dufus head Flajnik has already shown his cards. Good God man! Pull yourself together!! Any other high maintenance twat would have been kicked to the curb, but he saw her privates so he's locked in on this one.

What a complete WUSS.

I could rant and rave some more, but why? He is so completely clueless he grovels for family time yet again in the evening. Jesus take the wheel. What a waste. This was the longest date, the one with the most airtime, and the most pathetic exchange ever. It only got worse when she badmouthed the women and he did zero to shut her up! She was all kinds of condescending and rude and lying about how hard she's tried to win these 'girls' over but they're so mean and boring. Classic case of reverse psychology. Hel-loooo there Ben! You awake? No one likes this broad. No one. NO ONE.

His mother has to be sick to her stomach. Keep guzzling the wine mama Flajnik, the worst is yet to come.


Rachel sucks up all the water time, Kacie flips out, they all invite him home to the fam but he gives the one rose to a drunken, slurring Kacie B.  It was priceless. Girl could barely speak.  The three try to warn him about Courtney. He seems to listen, but you know this fool is letting it go in one ear and out the other.

Cut to rose ceremony: he foregoes the cocktails to avoid having to face anymore truth about Courtney, fakes like he's giving her a stern talk leading to a snip and then cuts Rachel and Emily instead. Whoop-de-do for suspense there. So.painfully.predictable.

Hey Ben Flajnik:  how does it feel watching yourself be manipulated by a control freak who only cares about herself? Are you out there, Ben? If spoilers are right and you picked that witch, I hope you get your nuts out of her pocket, re-attach and lose her like the bad habit she is. Otherwise a life of misery awaits you. Mark my words.

This week people visited le blog via the following searches:

• ben flajnik douchebag
• ben flajnik geico caveman
• blakeley low cut boobs
• i hate the ben on the bachelorr hes a pig (verbatim)
• ben flajnik is a ugly nerd who goes for the fake girls
• does ben flajnik wear a hairpiece?
• ben flajnik is a bad kisser
• ben flajnik idiot

And my personal favorite:

• en flajnik

I have to say I concur on all fronts and would add:
-ben flajnik serial kisser
-courtney cheap ho

Let's get going on the recap where all these points and more were validated. I don't know about you, but I thought this episode could best be summed up by 'snoozefest'.

For this round, Ben and co are in Panama City, Panama. The girls get to the Trump hotel,oooh and ahhh and Courtney immediately tells the camera she's hoping to get in a bit more skinny dipping. Yep, she's still back on that, I'm sure Ben and his hair are too. Ben shows up announcing there will be a one on one, a group date and a two on one date. Blakeley rambles on about neeeeeeding that one on one, but it goes to Kacie B. while Courtney and her twitchy mouth hope he sends her home. G'luck with that one honey.
A helicopter picks up Ben and Kacie, she's trying to just enjoy sitting there holding his hand (lose the junior high moves girlie you got a ho in the house) and he's hoping they have enough to talk about. Whatev. As if he's interested in talking to anyone after bumping up against Courtney's lady bits. And yes I just went there, but only because they did first. Back to scene Kacie and Ben land on a deserted island. It hits her: it's just the two of them (uh and a camera crew). They each bring three things: she a monkey(?), a corkscrew w/a useless knife, and a bag of candy. He a machete, a fishing net and some matches. They spend the day with her clinging to his side as he hacks away at a bunch of coconuts, gathering twigs and such for a fire, and haphazardly flinging a net around in the ocean.

Suddenly they're drinking champagne?

All I'm thinking is she's not ripping her clothes off in or out of the ocean so he's probably thinking about her ho-ness Trashney. You  know I'm right.

The date was a brother/sister snoozer. Cut to evening and poor Kacie B's got one of Ashley Bachelorette's t-shirts posing as a dress on. Ben wants serious conversation, she wants to get to the day to day grocery store runs. Girl you better knock that off. Next thing you know she spills the serious beans and reveals that her level of maturity comes from being a former bulimic/anorexic. I actually don't know if you ever fully recover from that or if it's like alcoholism, so pardon me if 'former' is incorrect. This is heavy. He calls her a brave girl. He gives her a rose, but he's checked out. There's no fire here after ocean explorations last week.

In the meantime the two on one date card shows up and it's Rachel and Blakeley. Blakeley thinks this is the best thing ever and won't stop yammering on about how she's gonna shine y'all! Think deer in the headlights. Snap to lady! One of you is going home and not even your boobs can stop it. Duh! Meanwhile Rachel wigs out and curls up in a semi-fetal. No one needs to tell her what time it is.

First it's the group date: Ben takes them into the rainforest in his boat while Courtney screams 'I'm sooooo wet!'. Seriously. I couldn't even make this sh*t up. Next thing you know they see some kids in loincloths playing soccer, so naturally dock the boat and go into their village where they get dragged off to put on traditional tribal gear. All the girls keep their bikini tops and bottoms on beneath their next to nothing beaded bra tops and fabric wrap bottoms, but not Courtney! She has her boobs hanging out and her skirt flying off. Yep, she a ho and Ben's all over it in his loincloth. They do some body painting, she writes b+c=heart like a 2nd grader, and all the others sit there watching the two of them together. Hello ya morons! Are you on this date?! Next thing you know they all dance around with the kids except b+c who shake their groove thing together while she waves her stuff in his face as the camera blacks out her nudity. Pride is dead.
Later in the evening he pulls Lindzi aside for some smooching, Courtney for some of her whining, dropping of her hotel room number (yes she did), and fake playing it needy to try for the rose. No dice. Jamie rears her ugly head as a babbling fool while Courtney shows up in her bikini frolicking in the pool behind them. You'd think this would wake Ben up, but nope he tells the camera he can't focus on Jamie with Trashney in her bikini, thereby proving he's a hormonal twit. Ick. Emily managed to squeeze in a minute where she doesn't mention Trashney. Trying to keep the others off his Courtney trail, Ben gives Lyndzi the rose while Courtney's mouth twitches in the wind and preps for a knock on her door that never occurs. This was the highlight: her rambling on about how men only appreciate her for a short time then disappoint her. Hel-lo honey! Take a clue!! Ben? Ben's mom? You watching??

On the two on one, that Blakeley is convinced she's got in the bag, they do some salsa dancing. The ladies take turns dancing with Ben and they all suck at it. Blakeley turns on the stripper moves, tosses her hair around, tries to stare deeply into his uninterested eyes, wraps her leg around him and does her best to rub up against all of his parts. And I mean all.
Ben and his hair are into it while Rachel twists away in the corner. Cut to evening: both girls have Ashley's former costumes on: shirts barely covering their *sses. Blakeley starts fake crying/playing it up for that rose and shows Ben a third grade level scrapbook of their journey thus far. You know the non-existent one.
Despite pulling out every desperate move including baby voice, croc tears and ass flashes, Blakely bites it when Ben takes his life in his own hands awarding the rose to Rachel. Blakeley stomps out turning to crazily sob and cling to him at the vehicle before Ben shrugs her off and thanks the heavens he's one step closer to Courtney. Yawn. Somewhere in the distance yet another purple suitcase is wheeled off into the distance.

Before the rose ceremony, to fill the two hour time slot, Chris Harrison shows up confronting Casey S. about her boyfriend back home. First she denies it. Then she says she can't be with Michael anyway because he won't marry her. Then she says she needs therapy. I think I need therapy after being subjected to this scripted mess. This chick has been filler since day one. No chemistry with Ben. Not ever. Harrison drags her, in her bare feet, to Ben's room where she spills the beans. He chastises her for not being honest--hello skinny dipping hypocrite pot meet kettle--and snips her. She hysterically hangs on Harrison, bawling/semi-screeching in the hallway before being led away to a mini-van, still sans shoes, where she cries at a high pitch all the way back to the US. I can't help it: I laughed my head off.

Examine this goodness:


At the final cocktail party Ben encourages them to all be open and honest with him because he wants to have open lines of communication with each of them?  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Nicki rambles on about how this is the real deal while Ben's eyes glaze over.  Why is she even here? Jamie monopolizes Ben's time in the most awkward Bachelor moment ever. She knows it's do or die time so takes matters into her own hands, tries to be all se-xay and confident woman, talks about how she thinks about him at night (cringe), and attempts to straddle him in her short tight dress (fail) and make out. When that fails--because she's sloppy drunk, giggling like a 12 year old, and out of character--she proceeds to tell him how they need to first kiss closed mouthed and then work into open mouth maneuvers. It's so painful I fast forward to Ben basically saying, 'uh no way ya weirdo!'

 First! He doesn't want to kiss someone!

At the rose ceremony Jamie gets the snip. And cries? Why?? No chemistry. Ever!

Most.boring.episode.ever.

Last week I swore to myself that these Bachelor recaps were over. The humiliating behavior of the women coupled with Ben's inability to keep his tongue in his mouth was about enough for me. And then there's that whole needing my brains for work thing...

But then the person who typed 'Ben Flajnik idiot' into a search engine and ended up on my blog left a comment stating he and his wife got a chuckle out of recap 1 and, well, I'VE CAVED yet again. But I'm doing the briefest of brief recaps (for me anyway) so as to preserve my thinking skills -- and hopefully yours, too. So here we go off to Utah.  Buckle up.

Kacie B. wanted the first date, but Rachel got it so Kacie cried and cried and cried some more wishing it was all over so she and Ben could just get to the grocery store and be normal. Well now, I do believe we may have a JP on our hands. Only I fear this one isn't going to end so well because spoilers SWEAR he's picked that lunatic Courtney.

And may I just ask the obvious? Why do these women get SO WOUND UP over a guy who's kissing everyone and loving every minute of being a swine? Why?? Have they not watched previous seasons? *pass the pills*

As the first date kicks off they're all jealous as Ben and Rachel take to the skies in a helicopter. She's feeling pressure with the rose on the line but is just going to go with it; he likes these more low-key dates where they can just talk and get to know one another. Cut to scene where they land in a big field, get into a rowboat, paddle to the middle of the lake and he immediately jumps on her face.


Getting to know each other, huh Ben? Blech. It's gonna be a long night.

Summary: she's freaked out at the whole first date thing, there's no flow in conversation, and it's downright awkward. They notice a beaver dam and talk crow's feet. *cue crickets* Cut to night and it's dinner in the enchanted forest. He doesn't want to give up. On what we're not sure. Stilted conversation continues and I'm thinking it's snip time when he offers her the rose. Of course he does: he says he likes kissing her as the camera shows them feeding each other s'mores off pointy sticks while I contemplate pouring out a shot of vodka to add some excitement to my evening.

Meanwhile back at the house the group date is announced while hearts shatter around the room: Jamie, Kacie S., Blakeley (plz say she's going to keep the twins covered this time because I'm all out of retinal bleach), Lyndzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B (who immediately guzzles her wine at the thought of yet another group date) and Courtney who promptly goes into hag mode. All the girls, espesh Emily think Court's gonna suck it on the group date with her witchy attitude so Ben will finally see who she really is.



News flash: Ben doesn't care if Courtney's a crazy b*tch. She's a skinny wannabe model and that's as close as he's ever gonna get to one so she's in first place y'all!! Wakey wakey, ladies. It's time for what we here at the Bird call a reality check and I'm giving this one out for free: guys like Ben don't care if a woman is nice or not.

Summary: Ben rides up on a horse he can barely control. Lyndzi? You there? They all get on horses and talk about amazing, Ben's hair, Ben on a horse.


Next thing you know it's fly fishing time at the crick where Courtney flings line around looking to hook someone's eyeball. She knows Kacie B is her only competition so drags Ben off for fish time. He is so dumb he falls for it. It's actually tragic how clueless he is. When Courtney catches the first fish they all go ballistic. Uh-oh. Once liquor gets flowing this is gonna get ugly. As night falls Courtney is referring to it as 'her date with Ben' *cuckoo cuckoo*. They all start fighting over him and Samantha confesses to the camera she feels like she should have Ben's ring on her finger. During their alone time she proceeds to bitch him out for not giving her a one-on-one date, like what is he thinking *valley girl voice* and what's the point of group dates anyway??
Ten seconds later he recovers and hauls Kacie B off for a makeout session leading her to believe she's going straight to the finish line (uh-oh). Courtney takes matters into her own hands and predictably gets into her bathing suit (yawn). She plays the dumb little girl, he eats it up, she fakes like she's having a hard time and can't take it anymore in order get the rose (wake up Ben!!) and like the dumb tool he is gives her the rose. What a frickin' duh head.

One-on-one: Jennifer.

She is super excited and off they go hiking to a crater where he informs her they are going to hang and drop 300 ft into a hole whilst wearing bathing suits. I would have peed my pants. Thankfully she didn't. In the evening he says he likes her. She's a good kisser from a good family. Seriously.  This is how he describe/qualifies them.  It pours rain on their date and he gives her the rose despite telling her he wasn't originally sure he would. To finish the date he takes her to a Clay Walker (no clue who he is) concert and the two of them cut a rug amongst a sea of beaming females staring them down. Now Ben thinks she could be the one. Sorry Kacie B. And Courtney. And everyone else he's kissing. Poor Jennifer.  She's too good for him.

At the cocktail party Emily is in a full-on tailspin over Courtney being a biznatch. Emily is so worked up over Courtney being a snag that she loses her beans and tattles to Ben who tells her to drop it or it will be her demise. Worse yet she then tells Courtney's one friend (who has no brains), Casey. Aaaaand it's on like donkey kong as Casey runs straight to Courtney and tells on her. Courtney in truly certifiable form, "wants to rip her head off and verbally assault her or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night." Yes. She said that on camera.

Ben's mom and sis? You out there? How you feeling about those spoilers? Open another bottle of wine.

In true form Courtney goes nuts -- because she is -- while Emily realizes 'hmmmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.' But Ben gives her one last chance and snips Monica, who weeps over lost love and claims this is the worst thing feeling she's ever had, instead.

At this point I feel like Bachelor producers have set this up. Maybe Ben's going to pick Courtney per script, realize after viewing he should have picked Kacie B and change his mind. Please say its true. Please! That broad is a total psycho. And in classless form he skinny dips with her next week. Pride is dead.

I mean how could he even pick anyone else after behavior like that?  More importantly why would anyone even want him?  What a pig.  And he can't even see when he's being worked over by a crazy bird with a whacked out, over botox'd mouth. Duh!

Someone just visited my blog via searching the following words in Google:

Ben Flajnik idiot

Interestingly enough, I'm the one who feels like an idiot during and after watching The Bachelor. My head actually aches at how stupid the women behave, and how the bachelor or bachelorette makes out with everyone. Discretion and decency? Dead.

So here's the thing: I didn't watch the show minute-by-minute this week. I just couldn't do it. Instead it played in the background while I worked and tidied my place up. Here's what I gathered:

-There were some one-on-one dates.
-On a group date a bunch of women who cannot ski proceeded to ski down a street in San Francisco wearing nothing but skimpy bikinis. Humility is dead and an Asian man standing on a corner watching this mess is scarred for life. So am I.
-Granny's girl Britney decided she really wasn't into childish, mean girl games to try and win the heart of a guy who shamelessly kisses everyone. Exit stage left.
-Ben kissed all the girls and displayed his tongue at least twice as I walked by gagging.
-The women squabbled amongst themselves.
-Courtney's still a hag.
-Ben kept kissing girls in plain view of the ones he just finished kissing.
-Ben strikes me as kind of a pig. I used to like him, but now think he's gross.
-Shawntel the Funeral Director showed up for 'a shot at love' because she had met Ben before and they had chemistry.
-Some of them got just smashed and slurred away to the camera and each other during the cocktail party. Eff bombs and foul language were at an all-time high. Keep it classy there 'ladies'.
-They verbally attacked Shawntel. How predictable.
-Jacquelyn bawled her head off during the rose ceremony.
-Erika fainted. Twice.
-Courtney the hag laid a passive aggressive threat on Ben as she fake hesitated to accept his rose.
-Ben showed his true colors by falling prey to her threats and eliminating Shawntel (and the crier and the fainter). Snip, snip, snip. That was to show Courtney he means business! What-ever dude. Get a haircut and keep your tongue in your mouth.

I don't know anything else about the episode and I'm not giving these desperadoes any play by digging up their pictures. I realize it's all in the name of entertainment, but this show is degrading to women. Who in their right mind would want to fight over a guy? Much less a guy who has his tongue down everyone's throat?

Dear Kacie B.: Be grateful he chose Courtney. Keep running and don't look back!!

Here we go again with Ben and co. I'm just going to type thoughts live while watching and let it roll. To add insult to injury the Chef's got food poisoning and is in a full-on fever pitch state of ginger ale requests...it's gonna be a long night. At least he'll get to drop 10lbs, I'm going to need a crate of chocolate after this Bachelor mess. You know I'm right.

First off let's discuss: Internet leaks claim Ben chose crazy eyes Courtney the wannabe famous model. I'm gonna view through that lens. If he picks her I'll track him down and splash him with an entire bottle of wine myself. You hear that Ben??

The skies open and Ben's walking his dog in Sonoma waiting for the girls. Side note: the dog is the star. It's a mush moment as we see family pics. It's destroyed when the hos jump out of the car. It's wine time!

First date card goes to Kacie B.
Cut to sunset and the claws come out. Courtney's already blathering she hopes big K doesn't come back. Oh yawn Michelle Money. Stuff a sock in it. Ben rolls up in his sawed off truck and it's date time. Ben's going to show her something personal, near and dear to his heart. I'm actually terrified. Please don't let it be a body part. The streets are dead in Sonoma leading me to believe all intelligent people have fled the scene knowing bachelor zombies were on the way. He shows her town hall, they find a piano in some store and tickle the ivories. Two random women wander up the otherwise deserted street and everyone hugs (weird sauce), he and Kacie pick out a bunch of candy, she runs back to the store and grabs a baton unveiling a secret: she used to toss a baton. She thinks the date's going better than imagined. I look up and notice she's blitzed, eyes half open, only one blinking. Ben shares wonderful memories about his dad. She says she's a hopeless romantic and would move anywhere for love. He puts the brakes on and blurts out that he'd need to see the south first. Slow ya roll there lady girl.

Back at the maison the doorbell rings and all the hags scream 'date card' in the shrillest voices you ever did hear. Group date: Britney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakely, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jaime, Nikki and Jacqueline all pretend they're ecstatic to have to share time. Cut to Blakeley bitching about having a group date. She's willing to knock someone out. Uh-oh. All I'm thinking about is the maybe lesbian tryst going on between Blakeley and Monica.

Over at Kacie and Ben he gives her a rose, they lock lips, he's going to make himself vulnerable with one last surprise: an empty theater and on the screen home movies of her and her fam throughout her childhood. Why is this important? Snooze. Then Ben's family movies pop up. Honestly, it's sad to see the footage of him and his dad. I start crying a little and haven't even had any wine. I feel badly for him. Ben thinks his dad would like Kacie B. She thinks she's found a lifetime of love with Ben. Really? After one date and with a gaggle of hens back in the henhouse? Oh lady. Isn't she the divorcee who's ready to give it another go? Someone help me. Or just help her. There's a long road ahead.
Group date time: he's going to make these women feel a part of this small town community. Blakeley's made sure to have her boobs hanging out as much as possible.

Monica likes boys all the sudden and she's ready to standout in this playwright thing he's got set up. I'm looking for Jenna: is she taking her pills yet?? The playwrights are a bunch of kids. Loud kids. He wants to see if they like kids. Good thing Courtney's not here or she might eat them live. Jennifer has to act like a weasel, someone else a pig, a dragon, a damsel in distress, Nicki looking for prince charming. Then she did a sexy sprinkler dance. The kids say it all: some of them are better than others. They need to bring it! Blakeley is asked to jog in slo-mo with her boobs. A girl doesn't like her, a boy does. Out do the mouths of babes.

Back at the house, Courtney the bat takes to attacking the horse rider who got the first impression rose. Courtney is one nasty b*tch.


Back at the play, Jenna the relationship blogger is cast as a wizard (she's gonna need some magic to stay in this game), Blakeley's a gingerbread man hooker, everyone's in costume and all of Ben's friends plus half the town are there to see the performance. Bets on guys only remembering Blakeley's boobs. You know she'll try to show them. It's some tale set in bachelorville, Ben is prince Pinot and they all want to kiss him. Monica the maybe lesbian blows off Ben's sheep suit leaving him in a cottonball loincloth. I can't even make this stuff up. He kisses a princess, the town of Sonoma cheers! All the girls want to be with him for life. Of course. Because this would be daily living? The commercials are the best part: Blakeley is termed a stage 5 clinger and the hags all want to rip her a new one. FAST FORWARD!

End of group date: he didn't kiss everyone and the whiners want reparations. Oh shiz. Blakeley can't stop ranting to everyone that she wants that rose!! Sure way to win enemies there ya dingbat. Bens nuts: he thinks she's super grounded and everyone likes her. Duh! He wants to know where she got her style aka boobs from. She's just blessed, she says.  *rolls eyes* Meanwhile in the can Samantha's losing it. She's in the stall and wants to rip Blakeley's head off. It's gonna be eff'd up if Blakeley gets a rose she says, while the camera shows her sitting on the toilet in her dress. Pull yourself together honey. You've got bigger fish to fry *cough crazy Courtney cough*.

Back at the house it's date card time. Aside: The chef comes out of a trance: how looooong is this on? Me: 5 minutes. And he passes back out. Whew. Courtney's gonna get to spin the bottle with Ben. She makes some snide remark to all of them, balls out, in their faces. That chick put the ug in ugly. Bet he picked her. Troll.

At the group date they're all in the pool (here we go with the pool scenes). Pressure's on. Blakeley's frothing at the mouth watching Ben connect with others. Jennifer gets one on one time with Ben. More kissing in the private pool. She's a goner. He might be a swine. On the couch all the girls think Jennifer might get the rose, Blakeley goes nuts, the Scorpio in her jumps him in another private pool, Jennifer doesn't feel special anymore, crying ensues. Next thing everyone's dried off and Ben awards the rose to the one who made the most of the day and the night and her conversation (ahem) with him: Blakeley pulled the wool over the sheep's eyes. Haha! Jennifer bawls, the girls call Blakely a candystriper hooker, horsey, slut, etc. She calls them all a bunch of bitches. Oh girl. You are gonna go down like a box of rocks when Courtney gets her hands on Ben. Don't shoot your back-ups.

Ben's back in his sawed off truck to pick up Courtney claiming she's one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen and gosh darn it she's a model y'all. Really dude? You bought that? Note to producers: Ben needs glasses and, I suspect, possibly some brains in the area of character reading. I mean outside the script. Poor dog Scotch has to go on the date. Hope she doesn't eat him. Vampiro lady. Kacie B hopes witch C doesn't come back, thereby echoing the sentiments of all. The dogs on her lap, please don't toss it out Elvira. I notice she's wearing shorts and boots just like Kacie was on her date. Hmmmmmmm. Copycat ho-bag. He takes her into the middle of the forest where they practice dog howls. She's a natural. They picnic by a creek, she claims to have been 'just doing her time' so no dates in a long time. I think it's because of her crazy face and ugly black heart, but that's just me. She meets a lot of people, but no one really, you know. No we don't hag bag. Why don't you fill us in? They smooch (yawn), he's captivated and thinks she's the full package. It's gonna be a long torturous season. Next thing you know they're riding on a tractor in the dark, wandering through a vineyard to dinner, he's wondering if she's too good to be true. Uh hello Ben! That's intuition calling!! She's playing a role and loving the tv exposure, he's babbling like a schoolboy when it hits me: he's Ashley bachelorette. She tells some lies about having dated an actor and finding underwear in the bed. Playing the role of the wounded dater. Grossfest as he eats it up bestowing a rose on her. Barf. Immediately she's blathering to the camera about the other girls should look out. If he did pick her I bet he's peeing his pants at what his mother's gonna say right about now.


In the house it's cocktail party/elimination time. Ben pulls first impression rose horsey aside to begin with. She's country. She's safe. He rolls back in and pulls Samantha from the bathroom stall aside. Blakeley goes on and on to all the girls about doing what she needs to do to get that rose. Shoots self in foot. Samantha blabs on for two seconds when suddenly Blakeley rolls in to steal the show. Hoo-ker has a rose already! Pride is dead. This has turned into the Blakeley steals all the alone time show while cray cray Courtney laughs maniacally in the corner. Girls in a heap, someone calls Blakeley a stage 5 clinger, they're ready to smack her down. Crazy Jenna gets one on one and almost lights a fire tossing a blanket on a candle. She's a bag of nerves and it's biz-arre. Calls herself a guy amongst girls because she's not, like a girl. Oh and she's drunk AGAIN. Slurs and all. Starts bawling, finds her way to a bed, lays down and bawls her head off. Uh, lay off the drinks much? Everyones back to ragging on Blakeley and her horse face, Courtney gathers intel, Blakeley finds the corner of the luggage room, gets in the fetal and starts snotting for attention. Ben finds her (as planned I'm sure) and tells her to collect herself. Good luck with that buddy. On his way back to the sitting room he finds Jenna wailing in bed. It's just too good. I mean these messes are in the dictionary next to drunk and wrecked.

Eliminations (as Jenna crumbles): Shawna and crazy Jenna who insanely enough is in shock. She is out of her damn mind and thinks it's not really happening. Someone call for the straitjacket.

Next stop: San Francisco. Some mystery chick shows up, a bunch more bawling, and one of the broads faints. Good times.

Chef's summary: does this guy saying anything other than 'in Sonoma'?? What is he? A walking commercial for grapes? Ugghhh!!! Yep, that sums it up.

I got sucked into the Bachelor vortex thanks to Ben Flajnik.  I can't help it.  That Ashley bachelorette did a number on him and I want him to find happiness.  Why he's trying to find it on this idiot tv show is beyond me, but I'm willing to take a look at the pickings for a couple episodes anyway. Recap below was done as I watched...all I can say is all the usual suspects are there + some new nut jobs.  Brace yourself. And Ben you brace yourself too, buddy.  There's a few biznatches in your midst.

1. Lindzi might be 27 *cough no way in hell cough*, is in sales but her true passion is horses, and faked a getting dumped text at the scripting of the Bachelor producers. Nice try. NEXT

2. Some chick in a field who says she's 28 but they print 29 on the screen. She's firing off a gun and talking about eating cow balls. Uh, are they trying to find a match for Ben Flajnik? Am I on the wrong channel?


3. Next we have a gushing 24 yr old Kacie who is looking crazy as ever talking about how she can't wait to love Ben like her granny loved her grandpa. She's ready for this me to be a we. Oh hell no. I'm not going to make it through this episode. Neither is Ben.

4. Courtney from Santa Monica is straight up going to bring the crazy--pass the pills. She's a modeling biznatch on wheels and I envision her with a fistful of some other broad's hair in 3, 2, 1...

5. Jamie. She's almost normal, but grew up with serious deadbeat parent issues and raised her siblings on her own. I sense reasonable airtime prior to the finale where she either gets declined or loses her mind and can't commit leaving him 0 for 2. This could get ugly.

6. Another Lyndsie? Whhyyyyeee?? Dad's a diplomat so she's lived "like everywhere", but somehow ends up in Scottsdale? *gag* Her living space is a menagerie of the worst of the worst tchotchkes from around the globe, why is there a huge ad on the side of her car, and what is that God awful tune she's wailing?!

7. Oh Lordy the next is a jittery relationship blogger. Talk about the blind leading the blind. Look out Ben: crazy town's got a new resident. Meet Jenna!
8. Now we have a financial advisor, single mom from Phoenix. Shawn wants a dad for her kid. I'm terrified of her black chandelier and electric blue walls. Eep! What will Ben's mother say?? That is not Northern California-rrific.

9. Nikki's divorced. She got married at 18, is now 26 and ready to give it another go because you know this time she's sure it won't fizzle out after a few years like last time. Oof. Where's the relationship blogger? We need some advice on #9. She's already planning Christmas in Sonoma.

Here we cut to Ben. He's sitting with Chris and he's looking good. The guy is articulate and intelligent and, for the life of me, I can't think of even one chick they've shown thus far who can even come close to interesting him. Especially the shooter. Good grief. At this point the limos start arriving. I'm in the dark. They've only intro'd 9 girls. Are the real I ones in the car and the rest was a gag? Please say it's true...Nope. Like oh mah gah they're squealing from the limo!

10. Rachel, fashion sales rep.

11. Erika, law student *snooze* Line of the night: "you're guilty of being sexay!" ugh

12. Amber the baconator from Canada. I.just.can't.

13. Elyse the personal trainer with the whack walk and zero arm definition. Trainer, huh?

Jenna the blogger gets out next and she's awkward AND crazy (but has killer shoes). She makes Ben (and the other 5 people watching) super uncomfortable and it's only a matter of time before the wheels fly right off her bus. I called this! Cuc-koo!!

Another car, another crazy: Courtney the model. She's only in this for tv exposure. Ben thinks she's pretty. Yawwwwn. This chick is trouble.  She's going to be on Bachelor Pad cutting a b*tch.

14. Emily. Finishing PhD in epidemiology. She hoses him down with hand sanitizer and gets the first kiss. Might as well get at it before the germs start flying inside. Blech.

15. Good God in heaven. Samantha aka Miss Pacific Palisades emerges complete with sash. NEXT
16. Casey the Trading Clerk looks kinda good and rather normal. At this stage.

17. Another Amber. Complete with horrendous yellow dress. Oh and 1994 called. Donna Martin wants her bangs back. I think this is the shooting ball eater!

18. Whoa with the hat Holly from Kentucky.

Jamie with the family issues catches his eye. He is 'loving the brunettes'. As I was saying finale potential.

19. Shira, not to be mistaken with Shee-rah, needs a sandwich, is an 'actress' and knows everything about wine. You can see the look of sheer(no pun intended) annoyance cross his face.

20. Blakeley the VIP Cocktail Waitress. Stunner.

21. Old lady on crutches. Cheryl. Wants him to meet her granddaughter Brittney. I'm sure the others were pleased with that accessory. I smell a cat fight. Yep. Biotches strike in two seconds. The Canadian is a real hag.

22. Dianna. Giddy. Can't remember what she was going to say. *cringe*

23. Jennifer. Rain Man's sister.

24. Anna. Walks by and barely says hi. Whoopee

25. Monica misses her dog. Uh, really?

26. Jaclyn. She's wearing Loubs.

*Horsey lover rides in at the end and all the cats in a bag get pissy. Not sure Ben's gonna make it out of there without getting his eyes scratched out. And why do I have 26 when there are 25 girls. Whatever. I can't remember the shooting cow ball eater's name so she's in here twice.  Amber?*

Summary: they all get drunk and fight amongst themselves while slurring to the camera. Girls say kayoot, cute, cu-ute, etc. Of course someone left her job for this experience. The divorcee blabs about old relationship baggage (death) while the echo resounds 'so glad it's you, Ben'. The granny thing got a little old. The hags talked crap about her, horsey and everyone else. Ben does push-ups from the fake trainer, the cocktail one shows her cheesy tattoo while he looks around the room ignoring her, the PhD does a really bad disease rap, the single mom in the electric green dress kicks a soccer ball around and the model claims to be sooooo busy flying around the world for wer-rk (meaning she has none) while the slurring relationship blogger wigs out. She's nuts. Is this over yet? oh wait: Monica hits on Blakeley the cocktail girl. I'm done as there's a near fist fight between the sloshed and bawling relationship blogger and maybe bi-sexual Monica.

Question of the night: how in the hell is that relationship blogger blogging on relationships? Or sanity? She is completely unhinged, raging in the bathroom all alone, while roses are about to be handed out. Pills please!

First impression rose: Horsey from Seattle who doesn't know if she's 26 or 27.

Snips: Shee-rah, the rapper, the diplomat's daughter, blazing yellow dress with 1990's hair (ball eating shooter!), the one who walked by without greeting him, the baconator, and the one who couldn't remember what she was going to say upon meeting him.

Holy frig - he kept the crazy relationship blogger, the potential lesbian, tattoo cheese, and the pageant queen. All I have to say, yet again, is this is scripted. There's no way any intelligent guy would keep some those disasters. No way no how.  The relationship blogger? The relationship blogger??